Loss shakes our very foundation. Whether the loss is expected or not, it still shocks us to our core.
I've heard clients talk about how insecure they feel after losing their partners. I totally get this and it's something that's difficult to articulate. Sad, lost, even angry - these emotions make sense to others. But insecure? Why?
Insecurity comes in because we just have not experienced life without our partners for so long that we're not sure how to. Who are we now? Personally, I went from being a happily married wife to... what? I didn't know. In one moment, that identity was gone forever. Was I a widow? How did that make any sense? I was only 44 - I couldn't possibly be a widow. But... was I single? That felt too horrible to even consider. So, who was I?
Another point of insecurity and confusion is our wants. When we're in a partnership, there's always someone to consider before we make any decisions and we hope to make decisions based on what's best for both. We get so used to this way of thinking that when our partner is gone, it's almost impossible to think about what we want. I suppose this is part of where the "Don't make any big decisions for a year" thing comes into play (which I think is bullshit, but that's a different story). When we're grappling with something so profound as who we are now, mapping out a future based on our wants can feel simply impossible.
Working with a coach helped me tremendously because we drilled down to my core needs and in a way that made it clear that these needs existed before and after my loss. In other words, we weren't working through this because my husband died. It was an exercise to get more in touch with myself no matter what my circumstances happened to be, and it probably would be good to do regardless of the state of mind. Being bold and clear about what we need can actually only serve a relationship because it's honest. It's valuable if we're happily coupled, but even more so when we're not.
So, how can we reconnect with our wants when we don't even know who we are anymore? Meditation is a profound tool because we can explore the many versions of ourselves. It provides the space for our past, present, and future selves to merge. We can meditate on what we loved as children or as young adults and consider if that is still true. It doesn't have to be at all - we do evolve, after all - but tapping into what once gave us pure joy can illuminate what we feel is needed now.
Meditation can, of course, bring up a whole lot of unresolved gunk. If that's a concern, it's worth working with a guide or even an app. Set the intention and focal point and gently redirect the mind when it begins to wander too far. (Wandering can be good, though - there's a reason for it!) The key to to explore thoughts without judgement to get real and raw with what we need.
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