(TW: The following post discusses thoughts of self-harm as they apply during profound grief. Please do not continue reading if this will be upsetting.)
About a week after Bill died, an old friend called me. I hadn't been able to call them yet because I knew it would be such a painful conversation so I'd put it off until I had the emotional strength to talk. Unfortunately, they heard through the proverbial grapevine that Bill died before I had the chance to tell them myself.
After they offered their sincere condolences and we sat in silence for a minute, they asked something no one else had: "You're not planning on hurting yourself, are you?"
I did not know how to answer. The quick response was, of course, no. But I'd have been lying if I said I was okay. There were days and weeks (and months) where I wished I just wouldn't wake up the next day. Is that the same thing?
This is a very common sentiment after profound loss and it's something we have to be very very careful about articulating. I have never had any suicidal tendencies but grief can be so overwhelming and painful that I just wanted a break from it. I didn't know how to live my life as a sudden widow and I didn't want to have to start over. Was I going to hurt myself? No. Did I want to live? Also no.
Saying that honestly was a relief. Part of what I've learned in my work with others experiencing profound loss is that my clients are just relieved to be able to say things like that. If someone expresses alarming plans, obviously I'd contact their loved ones and the authorities. But just being able to say "I'm so lost" or "I don't know how to live" or "I don't want to do this" without needing to be defensive is huge. The two sentiments can and do cohabitate in us: we don't want to live but yes, we know we will.
Obviously we should be very careful when talking with those plunged into grief. Please do pay attention to real talk of harm, be it of the self or of others. But understand that grief is not the same thing as prolonged or profound depression. Emotions might be similar and the outward expression of them might be similar, but they're not the same. Grief is brutal and overwhelming but it does ease over time. Grief is not due to chemical imbalances or genetic predispositions. And while medications can help us through the roughest days of grief, it's generally not advisable to go on meds solely because of grief. (It's also very much advised to stay on any pre-grief medication but that's a topic for another time...)
In a nutshell, it's not uncommon to want to block out the pain entirely and that might look like depression or shutting down. It's not. It's natural. We might not want to live at that moment, but we will and we'll be thankful for that. And thank you for understanding the difference.
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