Being able to deal with profound loss takes an enormous shift in perspective. Very often we focus only on our loss and get stuck there. It's understandable, and it would probably be strange if it were otherwise. But, we don't have to stay there and we can choose to think about who or what we've lost as key influences in who we are becoming.
My husband loved the song "Blackbird" by the Beatles because he felt that the message was this: You are now where your entire life has lead you. But that also means that this loss is part of your journey while you're here.
Once I was able to think again after the initial shock of losing him so suddenly, this perspective provided me with a lot of comfort. To face life without him seemed intolerable at first, but he'd lost his previous wife and he survived. I'd even argue that he thrived because he never grew bitter and was always seeing the good in the world and in other people. He would not have been that extraordinary person I met had he not lost Laura. And while I wasn't ready to think about what rebuilding my life could look like, I did know what I am who I am because of Bill and I would continue to grow because I lost him. It's a brutal thought, but it became beautiful to me when I saw our life together as part of this journey and I understood what spiritual gifts he gave me.
Now that all sounds very zen but of course I wasn't feeling that way last year. After losing him and then losing our dog, our house, and having to leave work, I felt like my entire life had been torched to the ground with no warning. Everything I wrapped my identity around was gone. I was totally lost.
But, there's a gift in that, too. I've been reading a lot of Ram Dass's works lately and in "Be Here Now," he details the psychological and physical breakdown he experienced that lead him to understand the importance of being present and it struck me as similar to what happened to me last year. When your entire identity is stripped away, you begin to understand how frivolous and unimportant so many of our worries and daily concerns are. That ability to notice and to move on is freedom, and what greater gift is there than that?
Taking this shift is not easy and really requires stepping back and rethinking what you believe. Byron Katie has some incredibly exercises that help but it's also difficult to do in isolation. Having a coach to guide you through is key to shifting your thoughts from grief-focused to future-focused. Let's talk about the possibilities to see if working through it together is the right choice for you. To schedule a call, please click here.
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