One of the trickiest and more confusing aspects of grief is that we find ourselves bombarded with thoughts and emotions about events that happened long ago. Initially, we're enveloping in shock and pain but as that lives, we often find ourselves linking our recent loss to other tragic events that we've experienced.
Is that normal? Absolutely. In fact, almost everything is normal in grief - every wild thought that comes up, every raw nerve that reappears - it's all normal.
But why does it happen? Grief is such an overwhelming experience that it opens up old wounds that never fully healed. And we attribute all of those residual feelings to the loss, when they're exacerbated by it but not caused by it.
The tricky part is trying to tease it all apart, and this isn't something that should be done in the early days of grief. In fact, I've experienced experts who only discuss this with clients who are at least a year out from their profound loss because it can be fairly jolting.
Think through your own grief or profound loss for a moment and notice what words you use to articulate it. "Sad," "lost," "lonely," "angry," and even "relieved" are completely normal. These are indeed connected to major loss. What reflects old wounds, though, are any thoughts linked to absolutes - the "always," "never," "everything," and "nothing" statements.
Here's an example:
Not to get too much into the weeds of my own childhood, but I was alone a lot. We didn't have a lot of immediate family around so it was just us. It's probably not a coincidence that I recreated solitude unwittingly as an adult by entering into difficult relationships. When I did the work and addressed the why, it's also probably not a coincidence that I met Bill and had a wonderful relationship.
Then, he died. And then Klaus died. And in the thick of my grief, I kept thinking "Why can't I ever have a family?"
Was that a true reflection? Of course not - in fact, I'd just been in a family of my own creation for the previous five years. It was absolutely not true that I couldn't have a family. But the old wounds around solitude and isolation crept up and manifested in the "never" belief.
Keep in mind that it's not our job to tease apart the beliefs of others and point these things out. But, if we can take a moment to explore our own statements, we can pinpoint the ones generated because of old wounds and they most often sound like "I'm always alone," or "No one understands me," or "I'll never be able to be happy." Any absolutism isn't true, especially when we're tying it to an emotion. The most difficult part of all of this is drilling down to why we're creating these absolute beliefs. It can make for some very uncomfortable untangling, but it can be life changing.
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