I recently left my job.
This was not a surprise to anyone. It was a long time coming and recent events within the company gave me the incentive I needed to finally cut the cord. My supervisor, while not happy, was not surprised either. We all knew it was time.
Why was I so upset about it?
I've had plenty of jobs over the years. Honestly, I don't even know how many because I started working at 14 and never stopped. I've moved all over, and each time, I found a new job. I've also hopscotched across industries. And while each time I left a job was a bit emotional, this was definitely something else. I was angry about recent events but beyond that, I was just plain sad.
It took me a couple of days to really sort through my emotions about why that was. I was sad that the climate of the company had changed so much, true. I was also sad to be leaving my supervisor and (most of) our colleagues. But the biggest point was that this job was the last thread I had to 2019 and my life with Bill.
We moved up to the Bay Area in 2017 specifically for this gig. It was a huge challenge for both of us - he didn't want to move again, and once we did, I was so overwhelmed by the job that I worried I'd forced us into a huge mistake. But, I do like a challenge so I dove in and learned the many platforms that come with working for a dot com and I began to really enjoy it. I loved my colleagues and the job, although stressful during the holidays, was overall a good fit. I'd been promoted and was building more visibility for my team when Bill died.
And then Klaus died. And I sold our home and moved. And although my position within the company changed, it was the only constant I had left from 2019.
It's an interesting emotional phenomenon that can happen after loss. We cling to things that have far outstayed their usefulness (or even healthiness) because of what they tie us to. With things, it's pretty obvious - we hang on to a specific shirt, or a journal, or maybe an armchair because of the significance it had for our loved one. But when it comes to situations or circumstances, it's more subtle and we may not even be aware we're clinging until it's very clear that it's time to let go.
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