Profound loss will kick up all sorts of issues, and I used to think it was just unresolved issues that come up. But after talking with several clients and after really thinking about my own experience, I think loss can also kick up issues that have been resolved - but that we still fear. And basically that means what we fear is ourselves.
I'll use a personal example but it's based around a similar sentiment I've heard from others. Before Bill, I wouldn't say I was a great partner. I was very insecure and that lead me to equate being alone with being unwanted. So, when I sniffed trouble in a relationship, I'd usually bail and jump right into another one. This obviously isn't an ideal pattern because it left confused and angry exes in tandem with a lack of self-worth or even self-awareness.
I can't say that Bill alone changed me though his confidence in me certainly helped. I also spent a whole lot of time in therapy trying to sort out why I behaved the way I did in life. But that combination really changed how I saw myself and how I valued myself.
And then he died.
After the initial agony lifted a little, my old fears kicked up. After all, I was alone again and that used to be the worst feeling in the world for me. I did worry that I might regress to who I was and lose the confidence and self-awareness I'd worked so hard to build up.
However, I don't know if that truly possible. If loss teaches us anything, it's that time does keep going. We can't go back in time, as much as we'd love to after we lose our human. But, that also means we simply can't go back to who we were before - and that is so valuable. We have changed and although insecurities do kick up, we can ground down knowing what we have accomplished.
Our partner didn't change us: we changed ourselves. We might have had help and support but no one can do that other than us. And internalizing that can really give that boost when we need it most.
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