After preaching about it for the last three years, I finally broke down this summer and drew up an estate plan.
It seems a little crazy, right? Paranoid? Morbid? In 2018, I would have agreed with all of the above. Why would I, in my 40s, need to write a will?
I can't repeat this enough: A will is an act of love. Full stop. It's not morbid, paranoid, or crazy. In fact, it's quite the opposite of all three: it's thoughtful, caring, and intentional.
Everyone's experience is different but I can say with absolute certainty that, after losing Bill and Klaus, one of the worst feelings I've ever experienced was not knowing if I was about to lose our house or not. In my blind trust of him - and, let's be honest, probably laziness - I'd just handed over all of our finances to Bill when we married. He's older than me, I reasoned - surely he knows how everything works. He certainly seemed organized but I didn't really ask any questions to know if that was true. He talked vaguely about what he'd like to see happen if he passed before me but it was too upsetting for both of us so we never formalized anything.
And then: he died. Just like that.
And, just like that, I found myself digging through boxes of papers scattered across addresses and years and it dawned on me: No, Bill was not organized. And even worse was that I had no idea where to find any of the information that I needed.
Bill died in March, so he'd already been talking to a tax preparer about our taxes. But? I didn't even know her name! I pillaged his email and phone records until I found enough info to piece together who it might be. At least she'd have most of our paperwork, I thought, and then I could work backwards from that.
My plan worked to a certain extent but this is where we need to ask: Who wants to be sleuthing out a financial puzzle when they're in the depths of grief?
And even bigger is: Why do we keep making this happen year in and year out?
As I've been working with other widows now for three years, only one or two tell me that their lost partner had a will. That's it. Everyone else has had to dig through papers and piece things together, not knowing the full picture until months - or even years - later.
If there's ONE thing I've taken away from my experience with loss so far is the importance of a plan. Nothing will ease the grief of profound loss but many things can be done to not compound it. Having the hard talks now are much, much better than our survivors wandering around with unanswerable questions.
Working with a law firm is not cheap, and I get that. But, here are a few ways to get started:
1) Go over accounts and passwords. Talk through how bills are paid and from which accounts.
2) Make sure your partner knows of any outstanding debt you might have. It's never a fun discussion but it's sooooooo much better to be upfront about it.
3) Work with LegalZoom or another online platform to draw up a basic draft of a will. It doesn't have to be exhaustive but be sure to spell out the basics of who you'd like to handle what.
4) Write it all down. Make copies. Make sure whoever needs to have your plan has a copy.
5) Set up beneficiaries on your accounts. Even if your will is never finished, this alone will go a long way to clear up any questions or confusion.
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