Strength

"I don't know how you do it," we hear. "You're so strong. I could never be that strong."

This is a common thing that survivors hear, and while it may be meant as a compliment, I didn't really take it to be. To me, surviving after loss wasn't at all about strength - it was simply wasn't a choice. Either I kept going, or I didn't. That's all there was to it.

But true emotional strength is actually different than we tend to think, and maybe it's the difference between strength and stoicism. Stoicism is not displaying emotions, and this has historically been my approach. I am very uncomfortable crying in public, or arguing in public, or expressing any big emotions in public. Is that strength? No, actually, it's not, because it lacks the willingness to be vulnerable and flexible.

True strength means we understand that we can bend and bow and feel like we're about to break - but we don't. Strength means we can allow ourselves to scream and yell and grieve because we understand that's not what we'll feel forever. Strength is the foundation that can carry the complicated emotions, not the walls that lock them away.

Similarly, we need to rethink what we mean when we're "strong" for other people. This usually means we don't tell them how we're feeling or how our health is because we don't want to worry or upset them. But is that being strong, or is it being uncomfortable? I've had this discussion with older parents but it also applies to everyone: it's much more caring to be honest about what we're experiencing in the moment than to find out something drastic was going on when it's reaching crisis level.

It's also honest to show what grief looks like. By keeping up appearances, we perpetuate the taboo of talking about grief which then perpetuates the solitude and isolation many people feel when they're experiencing it. It's understandable that many parents don't want to upset their children by talking about difficult things, but is that helpful? Will the child be better prepared for their own difficulties in life if they've seen them and experienced them with their parents? (I honestly don't know...)

Strength can take different forms but emotional strength needs to shift more towards flexibility and endurance instead of stoicism. The unwillingness to bend is what does eventually break.