Self Sabotage

Self-sabotage during grief? Is that even possible? Or is this just a fancy way of victim blaming?

Hear me out.

This came up the other day as I was talking to Genea Barnes. She helps people work through self-sabotage and limiting beliefs. We talked about whether these kinds of behaviors and beliefs pop up after loss and it struck me that they do, and far more often than we think.

We sabotage ourselves when it comes to grief but probably not in the ways that public opinion tends to believe. Giving in to sadness, anger, and fear is not self-sabotage. Crying profusely isn't self-sabotage, nor is raging at the heavens. Those are actually completely normal and healthy responses to extreme loss.

So, what do we do that derails the grief journey?

"You're so strong. You can handle this."

Sound familiar? This is said to survivors so often that we internalize it and our inner strength becomes a point of pride. And while we do need to rely on that strength to get us through very dark days, denying our pain is the number one way that we sabotage ourselves during grief. Profound sadness and anger are incredibly uncomfortable and we've been conditioned to not express either. If we do, people think that either we need anti-depressants or anger management.

I'm not suggesting that people don't need anti-depressants; medication can be life saving for those who need it. However, anti-depressants as a quick antidote for grief is detrimental unless depression existed before the loss. Otherwise, they can fog out the pain that will later crash down with a vengeance. Similarly, anger is a normal response to loss and to deny it will only force it out elsewhere - and often, that means being turned inward against ourselves. We berate ourselves for weakness and for not being able to handle everything thrown our way.

Strength and complex emotions are not mutually exclusive. Relying on our internal strength at the expense of expressing ourselves is actually a self-limiting belief. Emotions are powerful and when we deny ourselves something as basic as feeling very normal responses to loss, we're denying our very humanity.

To work through this self-limiting belief, let's shift the focus:

1) Instead of saying "I'm strong," try "I'm strong and I'm in pain."

2) Instead of saying "I'm weak if I break down and cry," try "Crying will help build my strength."

3) Instead of apologizing when you cry, just cry. (Seriously, if it's not okay to cry after loss, when is it?)

4) Instead of telling grieving friends "You're so strong - you got this!", acknowledge the difficulty they're facing with "I know you're strong but it's okay to break down when you need to."

Join the conversation! What do you feel is a common belief about grief that you'd like to see go away? Comment below!