Last year, I was in a pretty low place. The pile up of my 2019 and then our collective 2020-2021 was hitting me and I felt like things were pretty hopeless. On the surface, it didn't make any sense - after all, wasn't I well past the worst days of grief? The reality was, though, that I felt pretty lost and like things were pointless.
It's hard to articulate those feelings to people and when I did, I was often met with "Why? Things are good!" And yes, that was true - I live in a beautiful place and have very few day-to-day stressors at this point. So, what was wrong?
Nothing was. I simply was experiencing the disappointment attached to three years of constant upheaval.
Everyone is different but routine is a personal killer. I thrive on variety and adventure. And when both were whittled away due to personal loss and then pandemic, it felt like I was reliving the same monotony day in and day out. Are there bigger concerns in the world? Yes, of course. I knew I was lucky to be healthy, employed, and in a safe place in the world. But, we can know all of that and still feel very real disappointment that life isn't going the way we'd planned or hoped.
There is danger in getting stuck in disappointment but I also believe there is danger in denying it. To say that I was "fine" wasn't true and was denying a very real part of who I am. (And honestly - who wouldn't feel residual disappointment after so much stress?)
I don't think it's a coincidence that I can now see possibility again after things have mostly opened up and I'm able to travel and explore. This also coincides with personal losses dissipating (for now - I still can't assume no one I love will die suddenly...). That bit of breathing room has finally helped me feel like the heaviness of loss has lifted. And maybe that's the change, too: I have experienced a lot of loss in a short amount of time and understand how much I can no longer take for granted.
Regardless of what fuels us - for me, it's adventure and for others, it's security - we need to allow ourselves the space to feel, admit, and express disappointment. It's normal and healthy. Adopting a Stepford Wives persona denies our wants and needs and can kill motivation entirely. It's okay to be disappointed, just as it's okay to strive for more.
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