I've always heard about life-changing moments and wondered if they really could be true. Could one event be so impactful that it changes the way you move in the world? Certainly historic events can, but can it really be that one personal moment can change everything?
The answer, of course, is yes but I think the changes are subtle and gradually build to result in big changes later. That might sound confusing and, as always, I can only draw from my experience but I've also heard similar sentiments from clients so it's probably more common than we think.
As strange as it seems, the big event wasn't actually when Bill died. That was shocking and awful but I was determined to see our vision for our house through. I tried to keep things the same, though clearly with a gaping hole in my life. I went back to work, worked on the house, tried to keep Klaus on a schedule. I felt driven to create the scholarship in his name but that was about the only big difference in how I went about my life. I clung to what was.
And then, Klaus was killed. I think that was the moment that really changed everything for me because it forced me to realize how futile everything I'd done had been. I'd been pouring time and energy into a house that was really not sustainable for me. I'd been keeping up appearances at a job that wasn't exactly meaningful. Why?
The change I hadn't been ready to face before Klaus was killed was that of identity. For so long, I'd nailed my identity for my profession and was absolutely a workaholic. After both Bill and Klaus were gone, it seemed absurd and humiliating that I'd been so focused on work for so long. Had I really taken away from my evenings with Bill because I was worried work needed my attention instead? Had I really wasted our short time together by answering work DMs even while walking Klaus? Unfortunately, yes, and I can't imagine now why that ever seemed like a good idea but it took me a while to get to this point.
Huge events such as loss often do force us to take stock of our lives and this is where we need to think through patterns and routines. If we insist on clinging to routines - even those that have long since served their purpose - we're actually clinging to an identity that is no longer true. This is part of why people can get "stuck" in grief - they're trying to maintain a previous life that isn't there anymore and can't find a way to make it comfortable.
Everyone's experience will be different but the resounding commonality I hear is that we ask what is important. Supporting ourselves is important, of course, but is the job itself so important that we allow it to become all-consuming, like I had? Unless you're an heart surgeon, probably not. Many of us have jobs that are fine, and it's okay to admit that. They're good enough. We don't have to love them or expend anymore energy than necessary to do our tasks. We also can remove ourselves from being so attached to work that we neglect the things that truly are important to us.
I use work as the focus here because that's the biggest perspective shift that happened for me, but this line of thinking applies to other areas of our lives. Are we going through the motions in social settings that really have no value for us any longer? Why? It's important to maintain relationships, of course, but not necessarily all relationships. We've all clung to friendships that have run their course and after a life-changing event, it's worth evaluating those that truly bring meaning to our lives.
Revaluation is not about cutting ourselves off from work, friends, or activities. It is about being honest about what is important and how we want to invest our time here.
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