I was reading a book recently by a well known grief expert who focuses on the realities of loss. The book highlighted a few key points, including: 1) grief really, really sucks, 2) no one can truly know what it's like unless they've experienced it, and 3) we're afforded very little time to grieve.
The author also noted that many people with good intentions say things like "I understand because of my breakup/I lost my job/my grandmother died." And while all of that is loss, it's not like the profound loss of losing our person. The author noted that while all loss is valid, it's most certainly not the same. People, the conclusion went, therefore need to stop saying things like that to us because they can't possibly understand.
When I first read over this, my mind was screaming YES EXACTLY! It upset me so much when people would say such things to me after Bill died. I also felt like people were trying to outgrief me, like I shouldn't complain because what they went through was so much worse. I usually just shut down altogether and didn't bother to talk about it anymore.
But as I was thinking about the experience, something else occured to me and it's a point I think the author missed. Let's look back at point 3: we're afforded very little time to grieve.
That seems to be it.
Thinking back on it, I don't think people were truly saying that they understood what I was going through. Maybe some naïvely thought they got it but for most people, it seems to be something more. And I believe it connects to point 3: they themselves had been afforded so little time to grieve.
Ok, so understanding that we're afforded so little time to grieve AND that every loss is valid, could it be that we say these things because we so desperately need our own loss to be seen?
Our society is so cluttered with "pick yourself up by the bootstraps" and "everything happens for a reason" beliefs that expressing grief over a breakup, job loss, or grandparent death will almost always be met with "I'm sorry. But... (insert platitude here.)"
A breakup? You're better off anyway! You'll find someone else!
Job loss? You'll find something better! You were too good for that place anyway!
Grandparent death? She's in a better place! You were lucky to have him!
I wonder if so many people try to express understanding because they were afforded even less time to grieve than I was after Bill died. Seeing my suffering tapped into their own because they hadn't been afforded time and space to fully process it.
Should we compare grief? No. But we can also shift our understanding that almost everyone is walking around with some shit, and we're all just muddling through it. While the onus shouldn't be on the survivor to take in the unexpressed grief of others, maybe shifting our understanding of what is really going on can open up the conversation and help those who need it.
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