In the earliest days of profound grief, it's often impossible to imagine feeling okay ever again. Harder still can be the thought of actually indulging in what we want - alone and without any input from anyone else. I certainly couldn't even think about tomorrow or the day after tomorrow much less plan activities based around what I wanted. I honestly didn't even know what I wanted as an independent person because my identity had been so bound in my marriage.
This is not to say that my husband was controlling - he wasn't. And it's not to say that he ever prevented me from doing things - he didn't. But, if the partnership is healthy, we always consider the other before we make decisions, to the point where it's automatic. I had cut back on traveling because I knew Bill worried about me traveling alone, and I rarely participated in activities without him simply because we enjoyed each other's company.
And then, suddenly, everything changed. As I struggled to function, part of the struggle was just figuring out what I wanted to eat, to watch, to read, to listen to. I'd been vegetarian before Bill and I dated and suddenly going back to that did not present a challenge come dinner time. In fact, just having an omelet for dinner wasn't even an issue because it was just me. (Hell, having ice cream for dinner wasn't a problem but thankfully I didn't revert to my college days entirely...) I could join book clubs if I wanted because meeting up wouldn't take an evening away from us. And, I could travel - as far and for as long as I wanted to.
While I didn't do everything that crossed my mind, I did - slowly - begin to (re)discover who I was. I don't like the word "self-care" because that's often misused by the beauty industry to get us to spend more money but ultimately, reconnecting with ourselves really is self-care. We have the opportunity to care deeply about who we are and what we want. While this certainly should exist in relationships, too often partners lose a sense of who they are as individuals.
I'm definitely a much different person than I was when he and I met and I'm thankful for that. Our relationship had such an impact on how I think about the world and it has, in turn, informed so much of my life now - but, I'm totally in control of it. Just me. It's a bit overwhelming to think about but it's also super empowering because there are no excuses. After being thrust into making all of the decisions, I realized that the only way to really thrive again is to be brutally honest with myself. If I don't want to do something, I don't - there's no shame in it. But I also have to be very clear-eyed about my habits and which ones actually serve to move me into the life I want.
The impact of our loved one never leaves us and after the initial anguish subsides, it's up to us what the rest of our lives will look like. And at some point, we have to ask: What's it gonna be?
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