About 7 or 8 years ago, I was up for an important interview for a position as director of international education at a prestigious university. I was completely under qualified but I decided to go through with it anyway. The university flew me down for the day and I went through a series of rigorous interviews with everyone from the department chair to the president of the university. While I knew I likely wouldn't get it, I wanted to see how far I could go.
When I came home, Bill and I talked about the process. He asked me about the salary range and I told him I'd asked for the starting end of the range. "Why didn't you ask for the high end?" he said. "Because I'm not qualified," I replied. "Well, they must have thought you were if they flew you down there," he said. "You low-balled your own worth."
That stunned me.
I don't know if this is something more particular to women, but I learned to believe that being modest about my worth would get me hired and that my hard work would earn me advances. Asking for more would make me pushy and therefore not a potential candidate. Never, ever had it occurred to me that I should state the high end of my worth out of the gate.
This understanding has been a game-changer for me. Honestly, it even partially explains the wage gap between men and women. Many woman I've talked to have had a similar approach to the one I had which means that in addition to very real sexism and racism in the workforce, we widen the gap because we ask for lower salaries.
Since that discussion, I've approached every job interview by leaning to the high end - and never once have I been turned down. It's really amazing what a perceptual difference this is and it can be extended to how we value ourselves in general. Money is just an outward extension of how we view ourselves: what do we believe we're worth? And do our actions reflect that?
Relationships are another example of this. I've heard the saying of "What you put up with is how you set your expectations of being treated" and it's so dead-on. It's exactly the same concept as the salary negotiations. When we enter a relationship tolerating disrespect of any kind, we're setting our own bars low. And when we consider that the beginnings of relationships tend to be the honeymoon stage, we're really setting ourselves up for a difficult time once the glow wears off.
I'm not suggesting that diva-tantrums are the way to go at all. Quite the opposite, in fact. Diva behavior, to me, tends to reflect the wish to be seen as high maintenance - that's not about valuing ourselves. Valuing ourselves simply means knowing, deep down, that we deserve the best in whatever form that takes - finances, home environment, health. Connecting with why we ask for less can help illuminate self-doubt that we might not even realize penetrates every area of our lives.
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