Many years ago, a therapist said something to me that stopped me in my tracks.
I don't even know what I was talking about at the time but I was probably complaining about the latest relationship bust up. I must have blamed it on who I attracted - a common belief, to be sure. But as I was droning on, she stopped me and said "Jamie, it's not who you attract - it's who you respond to."
I was stunned into silence. My immediate reaction was to be all "How dare you?!" but the fact was? I knew she was right. And it took me some time to work through what that meant in order to change it.
We often respond to the familiar and not the unknown, even if the familiar hasn't been working out well for us. Most of us are never aware of this and instead blame what's wrong in our lives on others or on circumstances. Maybe we think the powers that be have conspired against us. Maybe we think that other people are out to get us. And while that certainly could be true, chances are it isn't - we're simply unconsciously recreating situations based on familiar patterns.
Here's a little experiment: think about a situation that keeps happening. Maybe you feel like everyone expects things from you. Maybe you think that you're the only one who knows how to do things the right way. Maybe you think that the only type of partner you attract is someone who takes advantage of you.
Is that actually true?
I gave really vague examples there because they're all very prevalent in our society. So let's really dig in here. Drill down to the why behind this belief. Why do we believe these things? Let's not come up with examples of what other people do - only for us.
I'll give a personal example. In my 20s, I dated mostly artists and musicians. (I'm certainly not blasting artistic types here so stay with me...) Invariably, they ended up being incredibly narcissistic. I was less of a partner and more of a hanger-on. So, why did I keep dating a certain type?
Drilling down, it was probably rooted in my childhood insecurities. I never felt like I was the "cool" kid - I was overweight and definitely not from the right side of the proverbial tracks - so, once I was attracting those who were undeniably cool, I felt like I was too. Never mind that there are many insecurities that innately come along with being a professional creative - rejection is a huge part of their realities - so naturally, they had to be very focused on their own work and not on me. So, I ended up always recreating the cycle of not being able to sustain a relationship because I was responding to people who inherently had to be very self-involved. I basically kept the patterns going because I couldn't see the why behind it all.
Relationships are clearer than other areas of our lives but repeating patterns happens across areas - friendships, professions, family dynamics. At some point, if we stop and try to drill down to the why - as uncomfortable as it may be - we can pinpoint what's going on. And that's the first step in changing the pattern that no longer works.
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