"You'll be okay."
Almost immediately after I posted about Bill's death on social media, people commented that I'd be okay. That I'd get through it. That I'd be fine.
Of all of the empty platitudes, this one is the worst. It's so meaningless in the moment and is, quite frankly, upsetting.
I didn't want to be okay. I didn't want to get through it. And I really didn't want to be fine.
I wanted my husband alive.
Pain, sadness, and grief are incredibly uncomfortable for many people. We're the society of "BEST. DAY. EVER!" plastered everywhere. How can we reconcile that with the fact that the death of a partner will result in many worst-day-evers?
Glossing over serious pain and trauma is one the deepest emotional flaws that we collectively possess. Death and loss should hurt. Telling survivors that they'll "be okay" is dismissive of their loss, of their emotions, and of the person who died. It implies that the loss isn't that severe, which means the life didn't really matter that much.
We need to experience grief - fully experience it. And it s u c k s, make no mistake about that. It's brutal. But, it's a critical part of our emotional well being. Denying grief denies part of our humanity and I don't know about you, but I believe we need more humanity in our era of battling with strangers from behind the anonymity of a screen. Holding space for grief, admitting it's hard, and acknowledging that there's no sunny side to it are all necessary for human connection.
When you lose a loved one, you won't be okay. You shouldn't be okay. Some day, you will be - but let's hold all the patience and hope for you while you figure out what that means and looks like for you.
What a relief it is to understand that.
Your turn: Have you had a perspective shift after loss? What is it? And is it different than what most people tend to think? Leave a comment below!
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