I'm pretty sure everyone has their own list of expressions that irk them after loss. "They're in a better place," for example, because it implies that being alive and with us wasn't particularly great. Initially, I hated "He's always with you," because he quite literally was not. But lately, the one that might be the most common is the one that nettles me the most:
"It'll be okay."
People mean well, right? Of course they do. But "It'll be okay" is benign and flippant - and just very untrue.
The initial pain of loss will most likely dissipate. And, if the deceased lived a long, healthy life, there is a good chance that we will see their death as sad but part of the natural order of things. Or, if the deceased struggled with a long illness, we might feel that they are finally out of pain. Maybe in those cases, loss will be okay.
But what about other cases? What about when we lose someone suddenly, or brutally, or violently? What about when we lose someone far too young? Will that ever "be okay"?
It's something to think about when we're trying to comfort someone who is grieving. We want to help, and helping can mean being present and authentic. Some losses won't ever be okay, and it's healthy to acknowledge that.
This tends to go against our instinct of trying to make someone feel better, but it's worth considering. We all know someone who has experienced extraordinary hardship: was any of it okay? Are the survivors totally okay now? It's more likely that they've learned to live with the loss but are irrevocably changed by it. That's different than just being okay and that's the part we can come to accept.
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