Last week, we touched on anger and how so much of it is actually rooted in fears and insecurities. This week, we're going to dive a bit more deeply into intention.
This actually comes at a good time because a friend and I were talking the other day about taking things personally. Soooooo many of us do, and we're seeing those outburst around the country as a result. A strange says something that we take personally and we get ourselves worked up about it. A colleague makes a comment and we go into an internal spin about what they could have meant. Even a friend - someone we consider pretty close - says something that touches a nerve and we run over in our minds what we could have done that could make them say something like that.
The answer is? Nothing. We did nothing to "make" them say anything. We do not have that kind of control over anyone.
One of the ways to de-anger our lives is to consider intention. Let's go back to that stranger who says something we take personally. How could it possibly be personal? They don't know us. Anything they're saying is a reflection of their mindset, not anything at all to do with us.
When it comes to people we know, most of it isn't personal. If it is, it's probably time to reconsider boundaries with that relationship. Why willingly engage with someone who intentionally crosses the line?
We're all operating using our own manuals, the rules of which we learned during our early and formative years. And since we did learn this so young, we might not even know why certain things annoy us or trigger us. But what that also means is that everyone else is operating on their own manuals, and we have no way of knowing what theirs are like. In other words, what we consider normal is probably really different than what everyone around us does, and we all get twisted when someone isn't aligned with our expectations. We basically get upset that everyone around us can't read our minds (but then... thank goodness they can't!).
So, what does this look like in practical application? When someone says or does something that upsets us, ask deeply: what was their intention? Do we really, truly believe that stranger crossed our internal line knowingly and willingly? How can that even be true? So, the answer is no. They didn't. Whatever they said or did had nothing at all to do with us.
How freeing that is.
As far as those who are closer to us, we can ask ourselves if what we believe just happened is true. This is a great technique proposed by Byron Katie. Ask "Is that true?" and then "How do I know?" Those two simple questions can help us separate fact from the stories we tell ourselves and reinforce through misinterpreted transgressions. When we ask "Is that true?" the only time the answer is yes is if the incident can be proved in a court of law. So, we have to strip out any interpretation of what it could have meant: only the bare facts.
Here's an example: Two years ago, my supervisor DM'd me and asked me if I was scheduling someone for a ongoing special project. I hadn't been. He worded it as "Haven't you been scheduling Jane?" and I immediately went into a spin. I hadn't scheduled her because the project was under a different department and the person heading it had been super vague, which in turn meant that I couldn't actually schedule anything because no one gave me definitive hours needed. But my supervisor's phrasing of "Haven't you" implied that I should have been scheduling her, even though it was impossible to.
See what I just did? I worked in a whole story around one question. I worked in my interpretation and spilled out all sorts of reasons what I was clear of any wrong doing. But, if we strip this down to simple fact, the only true part is that my supervisor asked a question. That's it. My interpretation is what sent me into a spin - that he was implying I dropped the ball. Even the parts of my explanation - "no one gave me definitive hours needed" - is interpretation because that's based on my definition of "definitive." It's also my interpretation that the other person was "vague" and by stating they hadn't given me definitive hours, I reinforced my belief about them. This story, then, throws blame elsewhere because of the story I held in which I was totally absolved of any mistake.
And, like many of the things we get worked up about, it turned out that my supervisor wasn't implying anything - he was just confused. He'd forgotten where we left off with the project. So all of that spinning-out that I did was wasting my own time, emotions, and energy with no impact on anyone other than myself.
When you start to feel your blood creeping up about something someone has said or done, ask yourself if your interpretation is true. Then ask how you know it's true. Then, if you still believe they intentionally wronged you, write out what happened and underline the facts that can hold up in a court of law. By the time you get there, you'll probably realize that your story is misaligned with fact - and that it's not really about you.
And how freeing that is.
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