Having to navigate Thanksgiving through New Year's Day is like walking through a field of landmines for those who are grieving. Grief is wildly unpredictable and during the initial few months after loss, we can go from having an okay day to a really bad one in a snap. Any little trigger can set us off, and the month of December is full of triggers. So, what can those who care about us do to help? Here are a few tips:
Reach out regularly. Trust me when I say this: you are not being intrusive. If we don't answer or reply right away, it's because we just can't. But putting the onus of "let me know if you need anything" on a grieving person is basically assigning a task. Many of us also don't want to come across as needy and therefore feel very uncomfortable about reaching out. That extra layer of discomfort on top of profound grief isn't what anyone needs. Let us know that you're there - that alone means so very much.
Ask. Simple, right? Yes, but it's the one thing that's most often missed. It's ok to not know how we're feeling - there's no way you possibly could. You also might not know our spiritual beliefs so please don't assume they're the same as yours. Asking simple questions about what we're feeling and thinking will prevent a lot of false assumptions and will let us know we're being heard.
Don't assume. Along the same lines, many of us experiencing loss will be bombarded with visitors or invitations to get out. While we really do appreciate the thoughtfulness, please understand that being around people can be so incredibly difficult for some of us. Sometimes we just need time and space to grieve. When people assume they know what's best for us, it removes that space for us to sort through our incredibly complicated emotions. We know what we need in the moment, so please allow us that agency.
Be delicate but don't avoid. After profound loss, many friends and family members avoid talking about the person who died. And of course, that makes logical sense because they want to spare us from having to relive the loss over and over. But it can feel like our loved one's life has been erased entirely when we're desperately trying to hang on. If their name comes up in conversation, treat it as a normal conversation point because it is. We're still alive and the experience of our loss is part of our universal experience here on earth. Including our loved ones in the conversation helps normalize loss.
If you're like to schedule a call to learn how to help someone who is suffering profound loss, please click here. We can work through ways to help ease the grief while providing space for it.
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