When we lose someone we love, we tend to revisit their death constantly. Whether it's intentional or not, our minds draw us back to the last moment we saw them, what we said, or worse, what their bodies looked like once life had left.
I'd like to flip the script.
Once we're past the heaviest part of grief - and it really did feel like a heavy, dark cloud collapsing down on me - we can nudge our minds and our memories in a different direction. We can instead begin to focus more on their lives.
What's the point?, you might ask. Isn't that denial? Isn't that bright-siding tragic loss?
No, it's not and here's why: all of us will die. Death is a part of this life experience. But, death is only one part, and quite a small one at that. Yes, it's a cataclysmic one, but it's still only one part of life. And when we focus exclusively on the death of our loved one, we're neglecting the years, months, weeks, days, and hours that came before.
There also is the point, depending on your belief system, of who "they" really are. For me, Bill's body at the morgue wasn't him. It just wasn't. The body might have resembled him but even that was a little off. I'm sure we've all had the experience at a wake where we see the body and are surprised at how different they look. To me, that's why: it's not really the person we knew and loved. It's their body. The life force that made them so uniquely the one we love isn't there.
I won't get into a debate about what, if anything, happens to that life force but it's a bit of a relief to shift the thinking that way. We can then turn towards everything - all of that time - that came before.
In doing so, we can help shift our thinking away from what we feel like they missed or were cheated out of. Instead, what did they get to do? That's the stuff we love to talk about. What are the things that make you roll your eyes and laugh, thinking "That's so him."All of their quirks, eccentricities, joys, and delights can change the narrative of how we tell their stories. We can move from "We lost them" to "What a life they lived!"
Comments