Profound loss can bring a rollercoaster of emotions, most of which exist all at the same time. We're incredibly sad, maybe angry, lonely, we might still smile and laugh, and it can be overwhelming to feel so much at once. And while all of those are very normal in grief, I'd like to address the one that is common but that is the least beneficial: regret.
Regret is normal. We think "If only I had done (x)..." and twist ourselves around how our current realities might be different. But this is where were can turn ourselves inside-out over what we might have done differently, and guilt looms large over everything we did or didn't do.
This obviously came up for me with Bill (and with Klaus, for that matter). Bill left his job early on his last day there, saying he wasn't feeling well and needed to lie down. I begged him to call his doctor but he got angry and told me to stop stressing him out. So, I let it be. And, he died four days later of a massive heart attack. So: what could I have done differently?
The only answer is simply: Nothing. I can't repeat this enough: We do the best we can with the information we have at the time. I had no way to force him to the doctor, nor did I have any way of knowing what he felt was probably a smaller heart attack. I also didn't want to add to his stress levels when I knew he was nervous about leaving his job. Knowing all of that helps pull me out of the regret and guilt cycle that it's all too easy to get trapped in.
Here's the other thing: This actually applies to just about any area of life where we have regrets. We did the best we could with the information we had at the time. This doesn't mean we didn't do something wrong, but maybe we didn't think it was wrong at the time. Or, even if we did know, maybe our way of interacting in the world was based on some early wiring that was no longer helpful.
This isn't to say we shouldn't take ownership of our actions. Of course, we always should. But taking ownership and beating ourselves up are two very different things. No matter what the regret is about, be fair. Know what you can control and what you can't. Forgive yourself, and most of all, tread easily.
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