The stages of grief are often cited but somewhat erroneously. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross codified the five stages of grief while working with terminally ill patients. She noticed the five emotions commonly experienced by the patients after they initially received their terminal diagnosis, which are:
· Denial
· Anger
· Bargaining
· Depression
· Acceptance
However, there are a few problems with these stages and the first is that we even call them stages. “Stage” implies that they’re static, steady plateaus we experience and I’m pretty sure anyone whose life has been touched by grief knows this is not the case at all. Grief is wildly unpredictable. We don’t take a step from the denial stage over to anger and that’s that – we never experience denial again.
Another problem is that popular cultural has come to believe that everyone grieving will experience the same emotions. Since no two relationships are the same, no two losses can be the same, which means that we simply don’t process loss exactly the same way. For example, I never really experienced anger. Sure, I’d have flashes every now and then when someone would say something particularly insensitive but I never experienced an anger stage. I also didn’t experience bargaining because Bill was gone. I knew there was be no magical resurrection that I could bargain for. And similarly, I’d say my denial was more disbelief. I didn’t deny that he was gone, but it was just so hard to wrap my head around at first that it didn’t seem real. That’s different than denial.
Why am I poked holes in this? Well, that brings us to the most problematic part of the five stages of grief: they were never meant for survivors. As I mentioned above, they were developed for those receiving terminal diagnoses and that makes a whole lot more sense. But when applied towards the experience of survivors, the stages can make us feel like something’s wrong with us. Am I crazy to not be angry? Is something wrong with me because I didn’t bargain with the heavens? Not at all – these stages simply weren’t meant for me.
Grief expert David Kessler has worked to update the five stages of grief and he’s made an extremely valuable contribution: finding meaning. He terms it as the sixth stage of grief and to me, it’s the most important. Finding meaning after loss gives us purpose and a reason to carry on.
Many of us try to find meaning by living for two. I certainly did - I set up a culinary scholarship back in New York in Bill’s name because teaching culinary arts was absolutely his passion. It’s not mine, but I felt compelled to continue his love of working with students.
I also threw myself into renovating our house according to what Bill and I had envisioned, as if I could just continue on down our path by myself. When I could no longer sustain that, I was at loose ends entirely until several people suggested I get into life coaching. I initially thought that was insane - I was barely functioning, after all - how I could help anyone? But after diving into it, I quickly realized that it was exactly the path I needed to follow.
Finding meaning doesn’t mean the loss goes away, but it helps us feel like the loss wasn’t for nothing. No amount of grief coaching will bring Bill back, nor will it help me feel like “Ok, well, it was just his time.” Not even close. But it does provide meaning because I can help others struggling through those dark days. That’s the key for me: I wouldn’t be able to do it unless I had experienced it. It’s provided a purpose for me after losing my purpose entirely. And to me, that’s the most important stage of all.
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