The other day, I was playing with my dog (for a change) and I heard my mind say "Please don't leave me." I felt fear wash over me that something might happen to her. It's not rational - she's only 4, is in good health, and rarely is very far from me.
I managed to control the fear and let it dissipate, only because I know at this point that this happens on occasion. Out of nowhere, I'll be gripped by the fear that everything I've rebuilt - my relationship, our home, our dogs, even my newish jobs - will be destroyed out of nowhere. It's hard not to let that control me and I think I did for a while.
Fear is a natural - and a healthy - emotion. It prevents us from doing really dangerous or dumb things (usually). But fear can also limit us by not allowing us to build what we really want. We fear rejection, we fear judgement, we fear failure. In my case, I fear more loss and I'm guessing this is totally normal after a death. Also in my case, I would think it's normal after the succession of losses. For far too long it felt that anything I attempted to do to steady my footing disappeared again, so it's almost like a PTSD reaction.
I don't really have a solution to this but what has helped me is appreciating what I have. After losing Bill and Klaus, I felt an almost ashamed dismay at my own previous naïveté. We had a great life, yes - but why did I think that would just continue on indefinitely? Doesn't everyone's life get completely overturned at some point? Why hadn't it occurred to me that it would happen to me?
Fearing more loss, though, is the opposite of what I'm going for. Instead, I try to live much more in the present. I know that things are good for me right now. When I feel fear wash over me that someone or something could disappear, I try to shift it to how fucking thankful I am that we all exist here now. Of course no one will live forever. Nothing lasts forever, and in fact, everything changes all the time but usually change is subtle and much more gradual. We don't notice it. But by understanding that loss and change are reality, and by grounding down in the present, it helps me just be grateful for the now instead.
Commentaires