After the loss of a partner, child, or parent, there seems to be the popular understanding that even the most devout atheist will find comfort in God. But do they?
I am not a believer and I am very upfront about that when it comes to my coaching practice. Part of the reason I started this was because I found very little grief support for those of us who were not believers - most grief groups I found in my area at the time were faith-based. For a non-believer, being told that our loved one is "with God" or "with Jesus" means nothing - we might as well be told that they're "with Snoopy" or "with purple" - it's just as meaningless.
I need to stress that this is not a judgment about believers at all. Yes, that's all bold because I cannot emphasize that enough. It's deeply personal and even those who hold beliefs aligned with a well-known faith will have their own interpretations of different things. But maybe the way to frame it is simply this way: Assuming that non-believers find God after loss is like assuming we would just suddenly start speaking Greek after loss. If we have no attachment to it, it's not possible. There's nothing to connect with.
Maybe predictably, immediately after Bill died, I heard many such sayings. I heard "He's in a better place" or "He walks with Jesus now." I tried to shift my thinking on well-wishers who said such things to me. After all, they were trying to offer comfort, right?
Yes and no. Yes if they truly had no idea what my beliefs were and no if they did. When someone knows a survivor is a non-believer, offering faith-based platitudes is inconsiderate and disrespectful because it flips the script: the comfort offered is about the believer and not at all about the survivor.
No matter what your belief system, a respectful approach is to simply ask. Even the most devout believer can have their faith shaken after profound loss, something I witnessed with my husband's experience. It's not the time to question or debate with someone. Accept their belief system as theirs alone.
Similarly, since grief shakes us to our core, some non-believers do ask about faith. As I said, it's not the time to try to convince someone anything, but if a survivor asks "Do you think they're with God now/in a better place/at peace?", it's perfectly reasonable to offer a brief version of your opinion. If they're asking, that's understandable.
Ultimately, the best approach is to simply offer sincere condolences and offer to hold space. That's it. It's actually much easier because there's no need to offer scripture to us. Just your presence is enough because it shows concern and love both for our lost one and for our belief systems. That is the ultimate support.
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