I'm in the middle of a grief course with a phenomenal instructor. (I know it's a strange topic to love so much, but I'm a strange person.) We have weekly labs that are interactive and last week, we did a very interesting experiment that is worth trying on your own.
In groups of about four or five, we each had to think of three major life events: two bad and one good. Chronologically, I chose 9/11, moving to California, and losing Bill. We shared our events with each other by just stating what happened and when. We were not to attach any adjectives around the events. So, I couldn't say "Tragically, my husband died in 2019." Instead, my three went something like this:
In 2001, I experienced 9/11 in New York.
In 2015, my husband and I moved to California.
In 2019, my husband died.
We all returned to the larger group. About twenty minutes later, we returned to our breakout rooms with the same people as before. From there, we had to retell our events but we were to include what was bad about them. So, even for our good event, we had to attach something negative.
Mine became:
I experienced 9/11 and won't ever forget how terrifying it was in the moment, and how horrifying it was after.
We moved to California, which unfortunately became the location of tragedy.
My husband died suddenly at our new home.
We returned to the larger group, and then back to our breakout rooms one more time. This time, we had to retell our events, but with what was good about them. Yes, even the tragedies.
Mine became:
As awful as 9/11 was, I'm thankful I was there for it because I was among my people. It would have felt worse being far away and seeing it on TV.
Despite what happened in California, there were so many wonderful people who helped me survive.
Although my husband's death was awful for me, it was immediate for him. He was watching our dog play and that was it.
So what was the point of the exercise? There were a few, and they're all valuable:
1) To truly witness someone's grief is to understand event and story.
2) All events can be told with varying degrees of good and bad.
3) No events are actually occurring in isolation. While my three seemed isolated, the last two overlapped. Even 9/11 overlapped, at least emotionally, for me.
When we're deep in our own grief, it can be impossible to pull ourselves out and witness it more objectively. What was the event? What is the story around it? The story is the part that can change, but we often don't want it to for quite a while. But, through grief work with someone or on our own, we *can* change the story as we grow.
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