Empathy

"I don't know why this has hit me so hard," a friend told me about a news story. "But I can't shake how they must be feeling."

We were talking about a recent event that was preventable, tragic, and left a trail of broken hearts in its wake. I was feeling the same way but I understood where my friend was coming from: there are unfortunately always tragic stories in the news so why were we both reacting so strongly to this?

I don't think it's a coincidence that my friend had recently experienced profound loss of their own when we had this discussion. I remember feeling this way in the early days after losing Bill - even smaller tragedies would shake me because I felt like a raw nerve walking around in the world. But now, over three years later, I'm still shaken badly when I read a particularly brutal story and I think it comes down to pure empathy and understanding.

The more I work with grief clients, the more we all seem to agree that nothing at all can prepare anyone for profound loss. If we had long, healthy partnerships, we might have imagined at some point what life will be like one day when the inevitable happens but it's still nowhere close to how it feels. But, once we know that feeling, it's impossible to forget.

When I read a tragic story, my initial thought is "Oh no no no nooooo..." because I want to sweep the survivors up and lift them out of the grief. That's not possible, obviously, but just knowing how awful it can be causes a visceral reaction: I want to prevent anyone feeling that way. When the story is even more tragic - either multiple deaths at once, or something particularly brutal - my heart breaks for everyone because I can't even imagine it feeling worse than it did - but of course, it can.

Everyone's experience with grief is different but there does seem to be that deep understanding that comes with it. It's not that I was impervious to pain or empathy before - of course not. But now that I get it - whatever it means - I feel so much more for those involved. I suppose it's similar to the love that parents feel for their children: there's nothing that can prepare you for it but once you experience it, there's nothing like it.