Something really awful has happened.
Maybe your partner has died. Maybe you were in a nasty car accident. Maybe you just survived a historical natural disaster.
Regardless, you're hanging on for dear life. You're struggling with the trauma and aftermath. Friends and family check in - which of course they should - but then you receive a call or a text from someone you haven't talked to in years. And it's not that you dislike the person, but they show up suddenly and make an overly generous show of concern about what happened to you. They want all the details and position themselves as a major support for you. You're surprised, of course, because their outpouring of concern isn't aligned with how close you thought you two were.
And then, just as you start to pull yourself out of the pit, they vanish.
These are doom-swoopers.
Doom-swoopers are the opposite of fair weather friends: they appear only when tragedy strikes. They perform a type of ghosting because they wedge themselves in when you're at your most vulnerable but then evaporate just after you've adjusted to appreciating their support.
Doom-swoopers are basically adrenaline junkies. They thrive on drama and want to be seen as helpful instead of actually being helpful. The difference between the two is subtle but one of the signatures of doom-swoopers is that the support offered almost always loops back to themselves. They compare the tragedy to something they've experienced, even if the experiences aren't related or similar. Instead of holding space, the conversation turns back to them. When the survivor begins to talk about how she feels, a doom-swooper replies with "Oh, I know exactly what you mean because one time, I...."
If they're offering support, though, what's the problem? We need and appreciate support, but doom-swoopers leave us feeling confused while we're already raw. Did we just invest in a friendship that isn't really there? Did we just pour our heart out to someone who wasn't truly listening? Did someone else just disappear from our lives when we're struggling with loss?
Many years ago, I was going through a difficult time and a wise friend said to me "Only spend time with those who have your best interests in mind." I think of her words often and they really helped me after losing Bill. Doom-swoopers don't have our best interests in mind - and it's good to be aware of that. We're under no obligation to open up to anyone and setting boundaries can help us protect our already battered heart.
How, then, can we show support for people we genuinely care about but to whom we may no longer be particularly close? I actually found myself in this very situation recently. I realized that a friend from a long time ago was going through a very difficult situation that was unfortunately very public as well. I wanted to reach out to her but I didn't want to doom-swoop. After sitting with it for a bit, I chose to send her a message thanking her for reaching out to me many times after Bill died and I left it at that. I didn't mention her situation because I didn't want that to be the focal point. I care about her and want her to know that, and that stands regardless of what she's going through.
Ultimately, if someone's contact doesn't sit well, there's probably a good reason for that. Listening to our internal wisdom can prevent many misunderstandings or worse. Always trust your gut.
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