Changing

"A leopard never changes its spots" is a well-worn adage we take as truth. People are who they are and we can't expect otherwise. Why, then, do we insist on trying to make people change?

It's a strange paradox because both beliefs exist concurrently, and both are equally accepted as true. We try and try and try again to make someone change to better meet our needs while we shrug off others as "just they way they are." Or, we get angry when others won't accept us as we are when we're just as guilty as the same.

I don't believe that people can't change. We all can. We're capable of it. We just don't want to.

Here's an example: I often joke that I can't math. I claim my brain just doesn't work that way. And while it's true that I find math incredible boring and confusing (how's that for a contradiction?), the truth is that I can certainly wade through complex equations if I really set my mind to it. It means breaking down the complexity to much smaller pieces, but it's doable. I just don't want to. And while that is a pretty glib example, it's a reminder that we all are capable of changing thoughts and behaviors but it's a matter of wanting to. It's the internal want that accomplishes change, not outside pressure.

I recently heard an interview with actor Robert Downey Jr about sobriety. His well-documented struggles left most of us believing he'd probably be dead before he was 30. Despite everything, he managed to get and to stay sober, and it's the second part that is the most difficult. In the interview, he noted that we can't get sober for anyone - not for our spouse, not for our kids, not for our job - it can only be for ourself. In other words, the deep need has to come from within, not from without. And while addiction certainly has physical complications and genetic components that exacerbate things, the overarching point is the same: change needs to be OUR want, not someone else's.

So, maybe the leopard can change its spots - but does it want to? And when we try to make other people change who they are, what are we tacitly telling them? We're implying something about them is very wrong when usually - addiction aside - it's simply something that we don't like. Does that person need to change, or do we need to understand that they're complicated humans just like we are?

Obviously, I'm not saying we should accept abusive or harmful behavior as "just who they are." What I am saying is we need to think deeply about what we claim to love. Do we love the whole or just the parts that are convenient?

Change IS possible. It's one of the hardest things to do, but it's possible. But we need to be honest with what we're asking, and understand who is the one who really needs to change.